How Does One Become A God?

How does one become a God?  Drop acid, a lot of it.

            I, too, was merely a simple human.  But then I found the secret of divinity among the hallucinations of chaos.

            It all began one day, a long while ago in college.  I lived with people who were very experimental in their drug habits.  Cocaine, ecstasy, heroin, they would try it all.  One of them worked in a pharmacy, so they got a lot of the designer drugs, like OxyCotin.

            Then one day, far into the semester, I too fell under the sway of experimenting.  On that Friday night, they were going to try a new type of acid.  I, for some reason, decided to try it.  Up to that point, I was straight edge.  I had never done any drug before in my life.

            But this night was different.

            We sat around in the living room, and were each handed a single wafer like substance.  The wafer was placed under the tongue, and sat there to dissolve.  It wasnt the best tasting substance, but it was bearable.  The wafer quickly faded away, and the skinnier two people trying it started to feel the effect first.  The rest of us felt it soon after.

            For me it began as a feeling of vertigo, as if the entire world was shifting up and down as I sat there.  Soon enough swirls of colors began to form in the air before me, twisting and turning around each other.  The entire world was alive around me.

            It went on like this for four hours before the effects started to wear off.  I was naïve, I didnt know how long it would last.  Believing the trip to be over, I got up and went to my room to work on some schoolwork.

            Midway in a series of mathematical equations, another wave of the trip started.  But instead of seeing colors or feeling any sort of movement, reality came into focus.  The equations before me became as simple as 1+1.  I went through them, and then carried on to the other problems in the books.

            Problems that covered subject matter none done in class were completed in a matter of minutes.  My mind craved more information, more knowledge.  I pulled out other books and went through them.

            Then I took my first steps to divinity.

            Something struck me as wrong about some of the problems.  Writing them out on sheets of paper and laying them before me, I saw connections never fathomed before by man.  I started to write out new equations, ones that could redefine reality.  At that moment, just as I began to write, the second wave ended abruptly.

            All the thoughts and ideas I had in my head vanished in an instant.  Reality came crashing back to me.  It had now been nearly nine hours since I started my trip, and this time, it was over for real.  I stumbled to my bed, and slept a dreamless sleep.

            I woke up the next day, and was perplexed by my writings.  They made no sense to me, at least not now.  I didnt even remember writing them.  But, the spark of curiosity had me, and I wondered what was it that I had done.

            I brought my scribblings into class when I had it next, and asked a few of my teachers if they could make any sense of it.  All the teachers had the same reaction.  They all recognized most of the standard equations and variables, but not the ones I had made.  But after examination of the equations, they saw a spark of genius in it, on how the equations I had created, without knowing that I made them.

            I had stumbled onto something very interesting.  And frightening.

            The entire week following my trip, I contemplated attempting a repeat.  It wasnt until Friday morning that I decided to try it.  I went down to the library and took over several books on some of the more confusing topics, quantum mechanics, mass economics, obscure theories of chemistry and biology.

            Once I got back to my room, I put down the books and took one of the wafers.  And went to work immediately.

            I was able to redefine most ideas of modern economics, and proved several theories of atomic spin incorrect.  When I felt the acid starting to wear off, I took another wafer and continued working.  By the time I finally passed out, I had enough theories and proof of theories to win noble prizes in six different categories.

            But who would believe me?

            I took my papers in with me to school again, and asking different professors this time to look at my theories.  Many did not agree with the theories, saying that they went against conventional thinking and would uproot decades if not centuries of math and science.

            Conventional thinking does not come from someone tripping on acid.

            But all the teachers who looked at them saw that spark of knowledge, that the equations when done out would in fact give a possible answer.  A small handful of teachers wanted copies of one or more of the papers to see if they could prove or disprove them.  I was more than happy to oblige them.  After I left the teachers, I started planning out what theories and concepts I would attempt to do something about this weekend.  The librarians gave me quizzical looks when I returned a dozen books full of obscure topics, and took out another dozen on topics just as obscure and convoluted.  I even went to other libraries in nearby schools to get more books.  I was set for the weekend.

            This pattern went on for three months straight.  Every weekend I would do acid and pour out theory after theory.  I stopped going to teacher for their opinions because I was afraid they would catch on somehow to what I was doing and force me to stop doing acid.  I found more and more libraries, and took a few books out of each as to avoid suspicion.

            It was finally on the fifteenth weekend of my tripping that I made a breakthrough.

            I was working on an equation that would combine seven of the major theories of physics into one theory, which would unify nearly all of physics, when my mind made the next connection.  Somehow, in the numbers before me, I saw the flow of reality.  I tapped into it, and felt a rush of exhilaration.  But something didnt seem right.  I closed my eyes to try and concentrate when I figured out what it was.

            I could feel other peoples thoughts.

            Not too intensely, but when there was anger, I felt it.  Elation, I could sense it.  Fatigue, I connected with it.  I couldnt hide my secret anymore.  I rushed out of my room to share my secret, and was met with incredulity.  No one would believe me.  They believed I was tripping on acid, but not that I could read minds.  Furious, I returned to my room and went back to work on my problems.

            I was so focused on this problem, that I began to skip class.  My friends who I was living with began to worry for me.  While I was tripping on more and more acid, learning the secrets of the universe, my friends contacted my father, and told him the situation.

            The next day my father showed up, and I, obviously still tripping, tried to convince him of my discoveries.  He refuted everything I said and told me he was going to get me help.  I ran.

            Leaving all the books and papers I was working on, I ran out of the city, into the countryside.  Out in the forest, I found a new step in divinity.  I came to the conclusion that while I was tripping on acid, the neurons in my brain were firing faster than ever, giving my brain a new level of awareness and a new capacity for information.  I took the wafers I had with me and, using crude and inefficient methods, extracted the acid in the wafers.  I then separated it into three parts.  One part caused the hallucinations, one part caused the increase in brain activity, and the other was merely a toxin from the ergot fungus that created the acid.  But which part was which?

            One part would kill me if I imbibed it straight.  One would probably cause a complete mental breakdown with hallucinations and mania.  The final part would enable my mind to work at a higher level than any other human.  I captured a mouse and used it as my test subject.  I gave it a drop of the first solution.  The mouse died quickly.  That solution I poured out, knowing it would kill me to take it.

            I carefully hunted for another mouse, hoping to find one quick as my trip was waning.  I found another and gave it a drop of the second solution.  It took a few minutes, but then the mouse spasmed and flipped out entirely.  I dumped out that solution, and quickly took the third solution.

            Not even a minute passed before I could not only feel emotions from things around me, but I could feel life itself.  I tried it out.  Reaching out with my mind, I could now make a flower bloom more beautifully than ever.  And then I could make it wither and die.

            And there were no hallucinations.

            I returned to my house, my friends and father there with the police.  They rejoiced at my return, and my father initially wanted me to go into a rehabilitation clinic.  I convinced him otherwise by probing his brain and changing his very thoughts.

            Everything seemingly returned to normal.  I stopped tripping on acid, but still extracted the elixir that would give me my pseudo-divinity.  I started going to classes again, but worked on my theories and papers in secret.

            And I was constantly in search of that final step to divinity.  I could control life itself, but I needed something to work with.  The last step was to create life itself.  But I was still just a human, with some knowledge of a God.

            The answers lay once again within the chemical composition of acid, and its ilk.  A slow and tedious process, I isolated the mind enhancing part of acid, LSD, THC, and several other types of drugs.  I purified them so there were all at least 90% pure.

            And took them all at once.

            It was a complete shock to my body.  The world seemed to explode around me, and I could see the essence of life everywhere.  Then I began to control it.  I made a hammer that was sitting on my desk come to life and dance.  I made life out of the air, out of the shadows, out of clothing.  This was undeniable truth that I had uncovered the secrets of Godhood.

            Once again I tried to tell my friends, and all they saw were animatronics.  This time they didnt even call my father first.  They immediately called the police and had them take me away to a mental hospital.  And rightfully so, I was claiming to be a God.

            So I went there, and they did tests on me and were confused by my toxicology reports.  The elixir of chemicals I had taken call came up, but no hallucinogenics were detected.  The doctors assumed I was schizophrenic and delusional.  I let them keep up this charade for a few days, then I wanted out.

            So I left.

            The hospital was in an uproar for the next few days.  Apparently, an entire basket of towels came to life and attacked the orderlies.  And apparently my bed came to life and busted open a window.  And the tree outside moved itself so I could climb out.

            Perhaps I really was a God.

            I had reached a state of being so much higher than normal humans, that I really was a God.  Maybe thats why there were so many Gods back in the olden days.  They gained the knowledge I had gained and became divine.  Perhaps Thor was nothing more than a Saxon tripping on acid.  Zeus a Greek under the influence of LSD.  Jesus nothing more than a Jew with ergot in his bread.  For all of the miracles that these Gods and prophets did, I could replicate with ease.

            Then I learnt the truth.

            I kept in hiding most of the time, for I did not want to hurt anyone searching for me, nor did I want a cult following.  Night became my friend.  I was sitting out in a forest, twirling the essence of life in my fingers when a messenger appeared to me.

            Always being the skeptical sort, when this grand light appeared before me, I assumed it was a touch of hallucinogenic that had gotten into my brain serum.  Not so.  This was in truth an angel-like being, sent by the Gods to invite me to become one of them.  They saw my abilities grow and flourish, and before I became dangerous to others or power-hungry, they wanted to grab me.  I agreed, and left reality for a realm none but the Gods had ever seen before.

A Story about a Piece of Cheese

    Fred is a piece of cheese.  Not just any kind of Cheese, but a Piece of American Cheese.  And Fred isn't just any ol' piece of American Cheese, he's seventy three feet tall, and has hands.  Fred also has a mouth, and he uses that mouth to eat

aardvarks.  One day, Tom, an chunk of Cajun Steak, told Fred that there was a herd of aardvarks in Cleveland, Ohio.  Fred got so happy, he began to dance, but while he was dancing, he destroyed Dallas, Texas, and the people living there got angry, so they

tried to blow up Fred with tanks and guns.  Fred, Tom, and all the other Food realized that is wasn't safe anym0re around Dallas, so the headed towards Cleveland.  They got lost, and eventually made it to Boise, Idaho and met sam, a giant sack of potatoes.

sams cousin, Elsie, a ball of saurkraut was visit him from Bonn Germany.  Fred, Tom, sam, Elsie, and all the other Food had a party.  They laughed and danced, and accidentally destroyed Boise, so they left for Cleveland.  In St.Paul, Minnesota, they

met Bertrice, a piece of broccolli, and she wanted to go to Cleveland as  well, so they all went together.  Then finally, after walking for many days, they got to Cleveland and Fred jumped right in to eat the herds of aardvarks.  The other Foods all went in to eat

the artichokes and lived there.  The people who lived there didn't like that, so they called the United States Army, who came and put them all into a big blender.  They turned the blender on, and Fred, Tom, sam, Elsie, Bertrice, and all the other Foods

were turned into a green drink.  They drink was bottled and sent to Calfornia for all the heath freaks to drink, and everyone was happy, except for Bob the disgruntled postage stamp, but he's always unhappy.

ANOTHER STORY ABOUT A PIECE OF CHEESE

THIS TIME ITS ON RYE

          Peter wasn't a banana, he was a slice of American Cheese.  And unlike some of his relatives, Peter wasn't 40 feet tall.  He was only 17 feet tall.  And unlike his relatives, Peter like Cleveland and all the Midwestern cities.  His only goal in life was to make people happy.  So one day he set off in search of a person who needed to be cheered up.  He found Tony sitting on a stoop in Brooklyn.  "Hello mister, you look said.  Can I make you happy?"  "No you freakin freak piece of cheese.  You ain't even provolone cheese.  Git outta hea, 'fore I break your legs."  Peter ran away, and while he was running away, he fell down.  He looked to see what he tripped over, and discovered Brianne, a 23 foot tall slice of ham, drunk in the gutter.  They talked for a while, and Peter convinced Brianne to come with him and find someone to make happy.  They went to Baton Rouge in their search.  Up in a balcony was Joy, who looked sad.  "Hello there.  You look sad, can me make you happy?"  "No you idiots.  Its Mardi Gras, and I want beads, but my breasts are too small.  No one wants to look at me, now get out of here!"  Peter and Brianne, they ran all the way to Galveston where they found Travis, and his gay brother Samuel, who were both 21 foot tall pieces of Jewish rye.  The brothers had nothing better to do, so they went with Peter and Brianne to Los Angles.  Sitting in a diner there, feeling miserable because they didn't make anyone happy, they started to have sex, effectively making a ham and cheese on rye.  The store owner pulled out a shotgun, and killed all four of them.  He then went on to sell their corpses as sandwiches for $3.39 plus tax.