In the movie world, there are many classifications of movies.  Blockbusters, Classics, and Box-office smashes. But everyone forgets about the B-movies, those fantastic movies that you can watch late at night, where the special effects consist of ketchup and water for blood, the acting could be better done than a quadrapagelic dog, and the film is only occasionally in focus.

            To spread word of the greatness of B-movies, I will now write a column every edition with another featured B-movie.  Many of you will think, Where does he find these things? and if any of you watch the movies I talk about, most will say, Why did he watch this?  To answer both of these questions, I say, I have no idea.

            This months featured movie is House by the cemetery.  The story behind my watching this comes from a waltz through FYE or something of the sorts, and my purchasing 7 movies on DVD $24.  This is some quality stuff.

            But I digress.  House by the cemetery has what could have been a fantastic plot, if it wasnt so much like the Shining.  A couple with a young boy, from the big city, go to a rustic house so the husband can do some research and write a book on his research.  The house is across the street from a cemetery, and there is an interesting history to the house.  Dr. Freudstein, the former owner of the house, was a mad scientist who did unnecessary experiments on people at the turn of the century.

            Coincidentally, the boy keeps seeing and playing with his little girl, who never shows up when theres other people around.  She keeps telling him to not go to the house, and to stay outside, away from the house.  But noooo, no one ever listens to the mysterious child sage with a warning of horror and death.

            There is something in the basement that kills people and drags them into the basement, leaving an awful mess of blood behind.  What a rude monster.  I mean seriously, if youre going to slaughter people in a house that people live in, you should be at least nice enough, and smart enough, to clean up.  Im not inviting this guy over to live in my basement, Ill tell you that.

            By the end of the movie, the mystery is revealed, and the child lives, thanks to the mysterious child sage.

            Now the fun part.  Gore, there was plenty.  Some nice scenes of maggots falling out of a wound made in decaying flesh.  A close up of a mans throat being ripped out.  A beheading.  The ever-infamous randomized nudity of B-movies was at an absolute minimum, with a quick scene very early in the movie.  There wasnt too much cheese though, and that brought its rating down a bit.

            Using the Garrett Shaw Horror Movie Rating System (GSHMRS), which will be discussed and explained in a later edition, this movie earned a: .0583.  That isnt great, but its watchable.

            So go out and forget about the big name movies.  A-list is for losers, B-movies is where its at.

Dec 2002

Hello and welcome once again to the Bad Movie Review.  This months feature B-Movie is Chopper Chicks in Zombietown, and I must say it is one of the best B-Movies Ive seen in a while.  But first, I will explain the Garrett Shaw Horror Movie Rating System (GSHMRS).  This system is an easy way to tell if a B-Movie is good or bad or so bad it makes even me want to gouge my eyes out.

First the variables of the equation:

K=total number of kills

g=extremely gruesome kills

Bg=gallons of blood (approximated)

Be=Minutes of breast exposure (approximated)

S=number of sexual acts

L=one liners said by killer/heroes

C=cheese factor (1 is cheesiest, 20 is not cheesy)

m=time, in minutes, of movie over 90 (default to 1 if 0 or negative)

Ms=Music quality (1 good, 10 horrible noise)

Ill walk you through the equation for Chopper Chicks.  There were 29 kills, 4 were gruesome.  There was about 3 gallons of blood.  There was no breast exposure, but there were 7 sexual acts (including a nymphomaniac zombie).  There were 2 one-liners.  This movie got a Cheese Factor of 3, it was less than 90 minutes so it defaults to 1, and the music received a 2.

The equation goes as follows:  ([(K+g)*Bg*(Be+S)]+L)/(C*m*Ms).  So, for Chopper Chicks, it is: ([29+4)*3*(0+7)]+2)/(3*1*2).  Therefore, the rating equals 115.83, which is considerably higher than last months movie, which received a rating of .0583, making Chopper Chicks nearly 2000x better than House by the Cemetery, and yes, it is that much better.

But why is this movie so good?  Well, the numbers themselves can give you a half decent idea of the movie, but verbal descriptions often work better.  First off, the music is great.  The zombies have this bizarre carnival/video game sounding theme that plays whenever they shamble about.  The movie should be watched on that fact alone.  Another major point for it was the rock, organ, and New Age violin version of Danse Macabre throughout the movie.

The plot, like the movie itself, screams absurdity.  A troupe of Chopper Chicks enter a town to find menfolk.  But it seems that this town has a resident mad scientist who is turning people into zombies and keeping them in an underground bunker.  The zombies escape, and dont make it to the town until the second half of the movie.  The entire first half consists of the Chopper Chicks search for carnal pleasure and internal strife of their gang, the Cycle Sluts.  Eventually, they get help from a midget who used to help the mad scientist and a busload of blind orphans, lead the zombies into a church, and blow them up.  Some zombies are left un-rekilled, such as the town Sheriff and a zombie who has a stereo hanging his neck.  But in any case, the Chopper Chicks leave Zombietown with a few new additions to their gang, off to their next adventure.

On an odd side note, Billy Bob Thorton of Slingblade fame (as well as his masochistic marriage to Angelina Jolie) has a mildly major role, and Hal Sparks, who was the host of E!s Talk Soup for a short period, also showed up.

With a rating of 115.83, and a plethora of absurdity to keep the mind boggled, I highly recommend this movie.

Jan 2003

Todays topic, besides the whole rating of the movie itself, is a question some of you may be asking yourselves.  Where does he get these wonderful toys?

            Well, there are several places to get these movies.  And on a side note, not that I am condoning such behavior, but these movies go great with intoxication.  But enough of that.  To find such movies, as House by the Cemetery and Chopper Chicks in Zombietown, a simple trip to Blockbuster may suit the occasion.  But Ive discovered that Blockbuster is often lacking in the B movies.  It seems that Hollywood Video has a much larger selection of B movies, and they will often times have a Cult Classics section, where many such movies can be found.

            If you want to purchase some of these videos, the best place to buy them is through Troma video.  Troma is the top of the line B movies, with such classics as The Toxic Avenger (1-4), Terror Firmer, Tromeo and Juliet, and Tromas War, as well as independently made movies that Troma releases.  And theres always randomly selecting cheap videos in Sam Goody, West Coast Video, FYE, and other stores of the like.

            If any of you do find an interesting movie, send information about it my way, and perhaps Ill take a gander at it and next month the movie you spotted could be highlighted in this column.

            And speaking of the highlight of the column, this months movie is Lobster Man from Mars, a bad movie about a bad movie.  Plot line is that there is a movie company that has been skimming off the top and they need a bomb at the box office to be able to cover it up.  So, some random teenager with a bad movie shows up, and they decide to put it out.  Plot of that movie is that Mars is running out of air, so, to capture Earths air, they send the Lobster Man, a hideous and feared being, even on Mars.  Lobster Man shows up on Earth, decides to kill some stuff and try to get laid while on Earth, and eventually, they find out that hot water will kill the Lobster Man and his henchmen.  The lure him to Old Faithful, and steam him into a puddle of blue goo.

            Stats for the movie: K=8, g=1, Bg=2, Be=0, S=1, L=9, C=4, m=1, Ms=3.  So the score for Lobster Man from Mars is, 2.25, which is some good stuff.  This movie is especially good for those of you who watch a lot of science fiction, as there are many side jokes about real science fiction movies.

            So good luck finding the movies, and remember, keep watching the crap.

March 2003

To paraphrase Comic Book Guy: Freakiest movie ever.  Thats right folks, after years of looking for it, I think I have found the most disturbing movie ever.  Its title: Blood Sucking Freaks.  And yes, they are very much freaks.

            Heres the plot.  Sardu, a wannabe theater producer and all around nut-case used S&M techniques and actual killings in his show.  Theres Ralphus, Sardus pet midget, who can best be described as a sick, demented, freak of nature who suffers from white mans dancing.  Ralphus sole purpose in the plot of the movie is to do the stuff Sardu tells him to do.  Anyway, so these two psychos kidnap Natasha D'Natalie, a ballet dancer, and torture her to convince her to star in their show.  Tom Maverick, Natashas boyfriend, gets the help of a crooked cop (John Tucci) to find her.  When its all said and done, the movie ends with everyone being dead or brainwashed, and a bunch of naked, mind-altered chicks running around eating people.  Like I said, freakiest movie ever.  Then again, it was made in the late 1970s, so I think a lot of people involved here were tripping on acid at the time.

            Anyway, our stats: Kills=30, gruesome kills=15, blood=15, breast=25, sex=3, 1-liners=5, cheese=17, music=6, time=1.  So, the GSHMRS value is 450, which is an astounding number.  If youre looking for a really good bad movie, this is it.  But I warn you, it is very disturbing at times.

            And on the side note, being that I have discussed what a bad movie is, how to rate them, and where to find them, I figure I should discuss how to watch them.  They arent like other movies, you cant just get it and watch it.  There needs to be a certain mindset to watch them.  For most of them, I do not advise eating while watching, although if you have a strong stomach and are undisturbed by things such as a midget frying eyeballs, feel free to munch down.  And the time at which to watch a bad movie varies.  Sometimes, you want to watch it last, so that you can talk about how bad it was when its over.  Other times, watching it first, and then watching another movie afterwards, specifically a comedy of sorts, helps to erase that eerie and unclean feeling that is sometimes left after a bad movie.

            I hope to find out that all of you attempted to watch at least 1 bad movie over the summer.  Good luck, use my tips if youd like, and tell me how they were.  Enjoy yourself.

Nov 2003

Welcome back all.  This summer was amazing for my bad movie viewing, as I hope it was for all of you as well.  And there were even some big name releases that could be my type of bad movie, or just the plain old bad movie.  It is from this pool of the big name releases that I found one of the greatest bad movies to come out in the last decade.  Not only this is movie great, it is something that many of us scientists can enjoy due to the fact that its ever so slightly science based.  28 Days Later you say?  Wrong, that was a good movie, definitely not close to being a good bad movie.  Survey says: Cabin Fever.

            Now, Im sure some of you think that Cabin Fever was just a plain bad movie.  That is where you are wrong.  Lets review the criteria for a good bad movie.  Lots of people being killed (15), and several of those kills were revolting and disturbing (9), with a good deal of blood (~24 gallons) spilt.  There was sex (3) and nudity (3).  We had a few cheesy lines (3), some rather cheesy overall dialogue and characters (9/20), half-decent music (2/10), and it ran only a few minutes over an hour and a half (4).  How can this not be a great bad movie?

            Before we calculate the total score for Cabin Fever, lets look at the plot.  5 teens (3 guys, 2 girls) graduate from high school and go up to a cabin in the woods.  While there, a hobo spreads a disease to some of them.  This disease basically is a combination of Ebola and leporasy.  Then those who arent sick try to keep away from those who are.  We have a cameo by a psychotic child who screams Pancakes and does some martial arts moves before biting someone and becoming sick.  Eventually, a hippie pedophiliac cop and some stoner kids run into the second to last suriving member, who infects them all.  Everyone dies, theres a bad joke, a curveball with a government cover-up, and the movie is then over.

            So, using our old formula: ([(K+g)*Bg*(Be+S)]+L)/(C*m*Ms), we get [(15+9)*(24)*(3+3)+3]/(9*4*2), which is equal to 48.04.  I would give it the personal Garrett bonus for being good, except there is that bad joke and government conspiracy thing at the end.  If you watch this movie, stop watching it about 30 seconds before the credits role.  Those last 30 seconds is like a knife twisting in my heart.

            So good luck in finding the crappy movie of your dreams.  Until next time.